Fish

Congratulations on your new pet fish! Though you can’t necessarily “pet” them, goldfish can still be fun and rewarding friends for you and your whole family. As long as you feed it and keep its water clean, your goldfish will prove a faithful companion for years to come.

These precious, metallic fish friends have long been popular among city dwellers who have neither time, space or energy to devote to another creature, yet who still want to feel their lives matter to someone. Your goldfish will swish around excitedly every time it sees you approach, and when you pinch some food into its bowl, it will not know the difference between hunger and love. Despite what people say, goldfish remember what they want to remember, and once it realizes you are keeping it alive, it will remember you. You have power over life! You’re important! The goldfish thinks so.

Always make sure your goldfish has clean water. Your new “pet” is a very good listener, but it can’t complain when it’s uncomfortable. When you’re unhappy, you can take steps to improving your situation. You can eat a candy bar or a box of donuts. You can smoke a cigarette or down a bottle of spirits. You can buy a goldfish! Your goldfish has no such luxury, and if you forget about it for even a day, it will be suspended in a tank of horror, starving, soaking and breathing in its own leftover filth, with no possible escape. Worst of all, it will think you’ve stopped caring about it. In its last clogged and painful gasp, it will think of your best moments together, and regret that it couldn’t keep you interested.

Try singing to your goldfish! Take off your clothes and feel comfortable! Don’t you love it?

By @nohoperadio - Leah Lindsaychen

Facilitator and Proprietor of Tales of Insecurity, a podcast of post-modern existential horror. I like to make the best of a bad situation, and also to make better ones. I'm here to be helpful!

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